When they say… “It’s just a pet”

I will never forget reading a comment on a Facebook post about six years ago about a person’s experience of losing their pet. Amongst many comments of sympathy, there were the odd responses about ‘it just being a dog’ and telling the person to ‘get over it’.  I even saw a comment that said, ‘it’s not like you lost a member of your family…’ You see, here’s the thing: for many of us, our pets are family, sometimes our only family, or our best family!

At the time, I recall feeling both angry at the comments and confused by my intense feelings of unconditional love for my dog. I knew that I would be completely devastated when he was gone, and I wondered if this meant there was something wrong with me. I didn’t respond. I didn’t tell anyone.

Then, a few years ago, I found a community of other pet lovers just like me. This is a place where we share our photos and stories, celebrating the joys and many shenanigans of our pets’ lives. I finally found my place, my safety, and a place where I was amongst others who understood. Sadly, it also means reading stories about them when they are no longer with us, but seeing the outpouring of love, empathy, and compassion brings comfort during these difficult moments.

I am fortunate to have found this community, but it is disheartening that this was one of only a few places where I felt understood and validated.  Pet loss is still not recognised in society, often being described as ‘disenfranchised grief.’ Even the words ‘disenfranchised grief’ cause me pain in my chest. What does it mean? Well, it’s a form of grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially accepted, or publicly mourned. Awful, right?

The bottom line is this: if you are confused about the intensity of your feelings, please be kind to yourself. It just means you had an incredible, deep bond with your pet, your family, and your loved one. Pets give us unconditional love, loyalty, and companionship, so it makes sense, or at least it does to me, and many others, when you find your people.

And for those who don’t understand, that’s okay too! You don’t need to; you just need to have empathy, which is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes on an emotional level. And if you struggle with that, say nothing at all. It is best to say nothing than to minimise or invalidate a person’s feelings. Grief is complicated enough. Be kind.